Now:

I could see the same cracks appearing, the same arguments that I was faced with only a short year ago. I was still blinded to what this was doing to me and my life, blinded until one moment of pure clarity when I saw for the first time the sort of man I was associated with. I cannot stand here and exclaim that the past few weeks haven’t affected me. Of course they have. One of the most important people in my life has effectively died, gone on the wind like a burst of dandelion seeds. And grief is there. Yet it is a hard grief to have.

In the real world, those closest to you are there in your times of struggle and know how to help you. How do you explain when you have lost part of your life in virtuality? How do I explain that someone took the part of my soul that I had so carefully entrusted to them, the friendship wound up in so much element of RolePlay and then they decided to fire the entire wrath of the Manhatten Project on top of it – very nearly destroying the first life I had tried so hard to rebuild, very nearly destroying me. And what a wrath to come about as well – truly seeing the man behind the mask, the truth of the person. The terrifying heights to which he tried to ruin me.

How do I explain this to my Real Life partner, in a way that doesn’t ignite feelings of jealousy or underestimation, and instead help them to understand that it’s a completely different sort of relationship to the one I share with him – that it doesn’t undermine how I feel for him, that it is completely different but that it is still a part of me? If anything, the past few weeks have ignited my First Life relationship in a way that I never thought possible. Having someone there who can deal with the emotions and say “It’s alright honey, I’m here for you and I love you”. And it is wonderful.

And yet… Maybe I was asking for too much. Maybe I did want my cake and to devour it too. Maybe I just miss my best friend.

I love you.

Three little words that can lift someone to the heights that they never dreamed possible – and three little words that can wreck devastation upon you like thunderbolts from Zeus himself.

There is no denying that love comes in different shapes and forms. The love of a family member will be different than the love of a good book and a cup of coffee. The love you express towards your bestest of friends will be different than the love you proclaim after your dog (“I love you, dog” “Woof!”). The love that makes you want to burst from the inside out will never be the same as a type written note flung around and kept forever on a Text Editor. And the love for your child cannot be compared to the love of your partner. So why try to compare and contrast? No love is greater than the other. The fact that the word love is used at all should be enough to understand that the recipient is an important part of life, regardless of whatever situation they are in or not.

In my life, I have fallen hopelessly in love thrice. I have fallen head over heels in lust with a fourth. And then there was the one who gazed into my innermost soul before ripping it apart with three little words. Oh yes, I have loved. And I love still.

Second Life love is no different from the Real Life counterpart. It is just as difficult to articulate and more difficult to keep ignited. Love comes with all of it’s little components too – the way you look at me, how it feels if your hand brushes past mine, how I get squiggles everytime I hear those little words whispered softly, the knots in my stomach when we argue. This is romantic love. How can you get these components when love is expressed in Second Life?

As strange as it sounds, the components are still there. How about that favourite dance that you always gravitate towards? The purchase of an accessory to light up someone’s day? Rezzing a primful bunch of flowers at their login point? How about the knots that feel all too familiar when argument starts?

And just as romantic love is similar in both parallels, the rest can also be similar. Can anyone honestly say that entering into a relationship in Second Life felt any different to a Real Life one? And with the truth of that statement, you can understand that as different types of love are expressed in Real Life, so too can these separate types of love be expressed in Second Life. Can anyone honestly say that the love of their best SL friend is different to the love of their best RL friend?

In Second Life, I have been blessed with some of the most fantastical persons I will ever have the hope to come across in Real Life. After four years, only a handful of them remain dear to me – so much so that I would travel great distances just to have that cup of joe and natter about all things bright and beautiful. I love each and everyone of them dearly. Differently to how I love in my personal life – of course, as this is a one of a kind. But love nevertheless.

My Second Life friends know some of my deepest darkest thoughts and emotions. Some of them have been with me the entire way through the hardest of my years and are here still. I love them fiercely for that. Some of them I have lost parts of my Real Life for. Yet I would not blame them for the failings of others – Second Life is a rarely understood component by those on the outside.

Of course, Second Life makes it easier to deal with some things. After all, there is no block, mute, boot and ban option in Real Life. Email accounts can be changed and people deleted out of your life. Simples, no?

As ever, the innocuous lives of both Second Life and Real Life get twisted up. Personally, only the ones who have been party to running simultaneous lives and the troubles it will bring will truly be able to comment and reflect on these words. In this day and age these three little words are flung about so helplessly that it can be hard to see which is truth and which is falsified. As we grow and mature and experience these things, we are supposed to be able to recognise the flaws – and recognise how easy it is for someone to blurt these words out over a public forum such as SL and never think about the repercussions it will have.

For now, and for the future, there is only one who will hear these words from me with the true emotion that only a romantic type of love can feel. Because he deserves them more than any other. As for love in Second Life – I will never stop loving the people who enrich my life so fully. Nor can I forget those who have meant so much to me, even if it is clear now the time and investment was wasted emotion. All I ask is for the understanding that it is a different sort of love and not to query the depth of it’s emotion.

When it has been experienced first hand, a Second Life kind of love cannot be explained, repeated, replicated or forgotten. Just like a First Life love.

The people, the family I have built, the work that I do

And most of all, this spirit, this love, this presence that I cannot get out of my mind. My heart is full of The Rose and this is why

The pen (or in this case, the keyboard) is definitely mightier than the sword.

Those that need to know, and they are an incredibly select few, know the actions that have been taken and that will be the end of it. So although the past few weeks have become a FAQ, you will only get one side of the damned story… And it won’t be mine. Regardless of what lies you may be told, I am not going to be drawn into this stupid game of tittle tattle and immaturity. Needless to say, despite their best efforts to destroy me, I have got through it and come out the other side stronger, and a helluva lot wiser.

In other news, the week long celebration of Angel Manor has been and gone. And what a week it was! I was seriously impressed with how the artists pulled together to really give us the performance of our, well, our career in SL! Many of them I am looking forward to working with on a regular basis, to get some sort of schedule up and running in 2012.

The calibre of artists right now in SL is outstanding, something that I have never seen before in my short four years on the grid. And our venue can offer them the arena to which matches their talent.

I think 2012 is going to be very exciting – not just in Second Life but also developments in First Life too. It’s going to be my year, our year, and I hope you enjoy this ride alongside of me. 

Kaya and I were in talks before Christmas on who we thought would work best for our week of reopening and I’ll tell you this – the performers did not let us down!

This year looks like it should be immense and I am so looking forward to seeing what it brings for us

The past two months have seen SL go slightly crazy – or at least it feels like my SL was thrown apart.

Again I found myself booted off Dublin Staff. Freedom of speech once again didn’t apply, and a shit stirrer was in my midst. To be honest, knowing who it was I should thank them because of what happened next, but I have no need or want to pretend to continue to have them in my SL.

Needless to say, the next time I logged in it really seemed like SL had turned into something crazy.

Dublin was no longer as I knew it, Emmie was leaving, and as far as I could see there was a lot of discontent. Now when I step towards the sims I was once happy, proud and glad to call my home and my family, I feel like an outsider, an outcast. It just doesn’t feel right anymore, and it saddens me to admit to myself that I really tried to give it a go – but I just don’t want to be there anymore.

Times like this I miss The Bushy Beard so much. No matter what else was going on, there was always something to do there, and what we all knew went on behind the scenes in Dublin was seen – or apparent – in Bruges. I don’t know about anyone else but the honesty in Bruge was always a refreshing change from Dublin – and now, it’s missed more than ever.

I’m sure I will lose friends over this blog post – and frankly, if you react negatively then why would I care? There is a WHOLE lot more I could say about this, really air my feelings out about the whole thing, the back stabbing, the bitchery, the nonsense that was going on – but those that were in the know – the REAL ones, not the one’s who think they know it all, think they know Dublin – will understand that it’s out of sheer respect for the crowd of 2007 that I will not. Funny how the worst of it only started when a few individuals were hired.

All I can say is, I really hope that Dublin thrives. Unfortunately, I just can’t see myself being a part of it.

I just hope that we find somewhere we can all just… hang again.

I am absolutely LOVING my new role within Angel Manor. Although I have known Kaya and worked with him for four years now, it’s only recently that I have been able to take my ideas and really run with them. And you know what, it’s fantastic.

Angel Manor as a group, a community and as a venue have been going from strength to strength. Now, when we talk about the future – it really is a possibility. Just last week I was taking a dander through some unrelated sims and came across two avatars talking about The Rose Theatre! For me this is absolutely fantastic, it shows that people want to talk about us and share our landmark and their stories about the venue.

This month we have a lot of performances and events, and I will soon be booking through September. It can be difficult sometimes, as none of the staff know their RL schedules too far in advance but so far everything is working so well together.

I am so so proud of the team that Kaya has pulled together. We have some fantastic PR from Kalli, and Kylie has done such wonders with the art galleries, with them far surpassing any expectations and it’s unbelievably good. The hosting staff are starting to come together.

If you haven’t explored us yet, or even Second Life, I urge you to come and see.